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Sasuke1986

AND THEN EVERYONE DIED

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"Hey, long time no see," Max said, sitting in a rather comfy chair which was actually not the same comfy chair he was sitting in a few moments ago. This was because Gilgamesh, a recent arrival to the 'Waiting Room', decided to sit next to him before the move, his fierce smell prompting an exodus to chairs untouched by the stinging odor. "So, uh, how'd you get here?"

 

Gilgamesh's neck creaked like an old wooden board as his eyes turned to meet Max's, the half-god's peepers bloodshot, a tangled maze that could not begin to reflect the trauma he just went through.

 

"I was tainted, defiled, ruined down to my very soul by the most unsavory of nature's children," Gilgamesh said, as if in a trance. "It is nothing to boast of with pride, nothing that makes one's heart swell with the greatest of life's joys, nothing that no chronicler would ever leave to the ages to know." He paused, turning his glance forward. Max took the time to look over the many tatters in his wardrobe and countless stains of leery brown material before he continued. "I was innocence pure, a child with hands cupped in anticipation of the dear merchant's sweets, but it was not candy that fell into the hands of this unfortunate youth. Those claws, those gums, those eyes that looked at me like a termite spaghetti dinner, they all bore into me, poisoning my blood, crushing my dreams, tearing my hopes asunder. Words failed me, actions failed me, my bowels failed me as I tumbled about in pestilence's ball where the dancers are draped in excrement and sip from glasses hewn from the latrines of hell." Max spotted Gilgamesh's right eye twitch and could've sworn he heard the reeking sword-collector utter a whimper. "I was claimed by that striped beast, in those moments it branded me as its punching bag, its whore, its meal, and its toilet. Not even my sight could find grace, its nearby box of images displaying pictures of the most masculine legs to befall a maiden. Those thighs, those calves bulging with veins against muscles of rock, forever shall they be burned into me retnas! Oh, cruel fate! To be once a demi-god, now a flounder dying at the bottom of a ditch... a ditch crawling with fire ants... and Richard Simmons..."

 

Gilgamesh's shoulders failed him, his upper body collapsing into his lap as his futile efforts to stifle his weeping echoed across the room. Max stared about nervously, somewhat embarrassed to be in the same room (and even more embarrassed from having lost to Gilgamesh).

 

"Sounds rough," Max said, trying to find a new direction for the conversation. He then spotted a corner table with a basket brimming with bountiful breads (and various other pastries). "They have donuts here."

 

"Fabulous!"

 

---

 

Meanwhile, back at one ocean-esque place of questionable length.

 

"I guess this is it, then," Sasuke said, standing rather nonchalantly before Kane and Mebius, the two now confused by the robot's sudden stop in his attack and near instantaneous move to his now relaxed position. "I could totally go and win this thing, but what fun would that be? Also, it'd make my poster look like a total caboose."

 

"Wut," said Mebius, still confused, unlike Kane.

 

"I thought I was getting that vibe, too," the space hunter said. "So what now, Sasuke?"

 

"Well, before I do that," Sasuke began, then performed a silly dance with emphasis on elbow movement and kicking the ground with one's heels, ended by a pose where his hands, middle and index fingers extended, directed attention to his head jewel as it gave off a vibrant flash.

 

"And what was the point of that?" Mebius asked.

 

"Nothing we have to worry about," Sasuke said. "Anyway, on with the show, yadda yadda yadda, bABy'S hEAdA gO POp poP pOp!!!"

 

Sasuke then exploded into a humungous pink-colored fireball, slinging chunks of metal, bolts, pizza crusts, and issues of illicit magazines to all corners of the globe, or at the very least the corners of the large, ocean-bottomed room. Sasuke was obviously now dead, his self-destruct having been one most loud and stingy but incapable of killing both Kane and Mebius due to a notion previously indicated in the bot's teal dialogue.

 

"Though I would rather it had," Mebius said, breaking the fourth wall and cringing over the pain he felt from bits of shrapnel and an issue of Heavenly Hips lodged in his right shoulder, the path of mutilation he preferred since foresight told him of one Tonsil Teasers getting thrust through his groin if he tried to evade, the Oroboro preferring the former title. "At least I got the key back."

 

"I can tell," Kane said, taking note of the glistening ball lodged above Mebius' left eye. The hunter busily plucked metallic shards and bits of stale cookies from his armor as he continued. "Good for you, that, now we can definitely take our time discerning what that weird robot who I completely never met was talking about with no worries regarding some random disas-"

 

Kane never got to the last syllable, however, as it was at that exact moment that his left eye blinked, his pinkies flexed, the toes on his right foot wriggled, his gluteus maximus tensed, and his stomach grumbled, this combination of bodily acts causing his DNA to match the REAL Kane's DNA to a dime, if only for the slightest of moments. This, combined with a severe case of weapon lag, caused his BFG to fire on the spot upon recognizing its owner's genetic mark. The floral scent of Mebius and Kane wafted about the ocean breeze the following five seconds after the emerald blast that reduced them to mist worthy of an air sanitizer dissipated into the water.

 

---

 

Now let us turn our porn-sullied eyes to this next scene, with one Mr. V and Heather "My last name rhymes with my first" Fareweather locked in fisticuffs with the man of countless smells, Evil Mebius. The Bouncer that tried to run through the sick dimensional mishap now lay strewn about the floor, though his trident was neatly tucked into the back of Evil Mebius, causing him greater burning than the plethora of STDs he carried inside his body.

 

"This is far from over!" Evil Mebius declared with villainous flourishing waltzing about the atmosphere. "I am anti-life, anti-existence! I will reduce everything to muck and wear it over my back like a trophy skin! You two will make excellent contributors!"

 

And then came a battle so intense, so awe-inspiring, so extreme that Benjamin Franklin himself was struck speechless. The attacks that were slung, the witty repertoire that abound, the climactic revelations that flooded out made it the stuff of legends! It was the greatest battle in the history of humankind, no, the entire cosmos!!

 

But then Mega Man blooped in and blow'd it all up.

 

[bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||[/bgcolor]HAR HAR IM TEH BLOO BUMMERZ!!!!1

[bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]||||||[/bgcolor]/

[bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor]

[bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]v epic story remnants, yo v

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[bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]pockets

[bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]Kuriyurifabblydoo

[bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]candied

[bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]*patooie*[bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||[/bgcolor]Marbles pigeons Heather I cup splorged

[bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||||||||[/bgcolor] bacon Vaughn skewer feces

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[bgcolor=#111111]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFE4AC]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFDE7B]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFDE7B]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor]underpants 0_0

[bgcolor=#111111]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFDE7B]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFFFFF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFDE7B]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor]sideboob ssschlockoop

[bgcolor=#111111]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#FFDE7B]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor]kiss it dheeeee Mebius to

[bgcolor=#111111]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||||||||[/bgcolor]incredible cuffs kicking

[bgcolor=#111111]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]bachelor's tiger edible egg fangs Evil trident

[bgcolor=#111111]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]a horseshoe

[bgcolor=#111111]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]jazzercise

[bgcolor=#111111]|||||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor]

[bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]|||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#00ECDC]||||||||||||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#0078FF]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#000000]|||[/bgcolor][bgcolor=#111111]||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||[/bgcolor]^ epic story remnants, yo ^

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"Good, my feet were getting tired," Heather said. "What now?"

 

"Well, we don't have to worry about that freak," Vaughn said, pointing. "Check it."

 

"UH OH!" said the Boogie Monster, having just stabbed Evil Mebius through the head with one of its three tails. "Mmmf..."

 

"Sonuva bitch!" Heather said. "I wanted to do that! Only, you know, with my sword."

 

"DOihhh...!"

 

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," Vaughn said.

 

"What the hell does that even mean?" Heather asked. Vaughn shrugged.

 

"Let's find out," he said, and walked over to one equine subject fancied up with a fluffy bow. He wrenched his hands betwixt its jaws, parted them, and took a peek inside. "Huh, now how did all those bull testicles get in there?"

 

Heather stepped back in horror as Vaughn continued to peek inside, too close to the action to avoid the hand of one zombie Martha Stewart as it swung out and ripped off his face.

 

"Great, there goes that bishi-edge I wasted all that make-up on," he said, cauterizing his face to eliminate the pain.

 

"And now you know where the saying comes from!" Heather chimed in.

 

---

 

"How's that brownie mix coming, Gilgy?" Sasuke said, busily chopping up a lump of cheddar as Gilgamesh worked in the background, obviously over his initial trauma.

 

"Its fragrance could invoke the long sought harmony between angels and demons!" Gilgamesh exclaimed.

 

"Needs more fudge, then."

 

"With the most well-defined extent of gusto!"

 

"I never took you for a cook, Sasuke," Kane said, alongside the robot as he delivered some fresh dough from the Unknown Kitchen. "What's next?"

 

"I'll need some butter and flour," he said. "Real cheese makes cheesecake even better."

 

"Kind of meant enlightening discoveries, but okay. Should I get some cups of sugar while I'm at it?"

 

"Go for it, yo."

 

"No no no, clockwise, CLOCKWISE!" Mebius cried out, Max cringing under the weight of the Oroboro's voice. "The soufflé will never settle properly if you stir it like that!"

 

"Sheesh, alright, alright," Max said, steering away from his figure-eight churning. "I understand losing that key thingy after finally getting it is a huge frustration, but do you have to take it out on me?"

 

"You telling me to choose death between a killer bounty hunter, fashion-challenged sword collector and a robot with corrosive burps?"

 

"Hey, I'm a killer boun-"

 

"Then keep it down, keep stirring, and suck it up! My right arm spasms uncontrollably if I don't vent on someone, and you're the primo choice!"

 

Max took these words to heart as Mebius lost control of his arm, the butcher knife he held spiraling out and embedding itself in a Bouncer's face.

 

"MmMmeeEhhhhdikkk pURREEEEeeEZzzz!"

 

---

 

Vaughn fell to his knees, the power of his demonic form singing the ground where his flesh touched it. And yet it was not enough. Chunks of frozen The Architect cluttered the floor alongside hunks of gore and NeoTitanium that once fit together to make Heather. Boiling blood spluttered from Vaughn's mouth as he choked up a meaty wad, the dripping mass of veins and gum getting lodged between fangs that were parted by the blows of his enemies.

 

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," he growled, looking up through his crimson-cloaked sight at the legions that encroached upon his position. They mocked him with their misaligned eyes, their humungous incisors reflecting the pitiable position he had been reduced to, their bellowing groans forming a war chant that drained the very willpower from the demon. "Those two never should have met..."

 

The moment Durrrdheeevelug and the Boogie Monster locked eyes was the moment the fate of all existence was sealed. From that encounter bloomed an endless mass of stupidity, soldiers and beasts of burden misshapen in mind and body, knowing not the terror, the chaos, the death their innocent game-playing was now about to bring to all those who ever loved, hated, and masticated.

 

And now, Vaughn was in the middle of it all, the only two that could've aided him now reduced to mere portions of what they once were, their juices making the ground beneath Vaughn slick and threatening to slip him up and leave him vulnerable to the infinite mob. Not that keeping his ground would change anything: there was nothing he could do against these monsters, his power null and void, the stupidity, the idiocy, the lacking intellect so massive that ignorance was their armor, leaving them unaware to any and all attacks sent their way.

 

"No, it can't end like this," Vaughn said through clenched teeth, burning tears of mourning and frustration clearing a path down his red stained face, tears the demon once thought he no longer had. His palms clenched the ground, sullied dirt pressed between his fingers as his hands became fists, knuckles burrowing into the scraped earth. The remains of The Architect and Heather now crunched underneath the footsteps of the stupid, edging closer and closer to Vaughn as his body crumpled. "Not like this! No! No!! It can't, it won't, never! This is... Noooooooooooooooo!!!"

 

---

 

"Well that sucks," Vaughn grumbled. "All that bullshit and I get owned by an army of retards."

 

"Still your tongue, he whose face sparkles like the morning dew!" Gilgamesh shouted. "You have no right to complain of your fate! Not... not after what I was forced to endure... sniff..."

 

"What of all the errands left unattended, the missions left incomplete, the figurative holes remaining unfilled?" The Architect said. "Will these mysteries ever be solved for all to know?"

 

"Huu cayrthh," Heather said through a mouthful of food, "oo gaft oo ry rese bowniez!"

 

"They are damn good," Mebius said.

 

"Well, you can never be too high and mighty for brownies!" The Architect said, tucking into his plate full of goodies, now indicating the banquet all the characters sat at.

 

"When I say I'll make brownies, I mean I'll make brownies," Sasuke said. "Gilgamesh helped, too. You can't beat chocolate stirred by the spoon handled by a wanderer of vast dimensions."

 

"Alas, if only this confection's shade not remind me of that terrible ordeal I faced!"

 

"If you stopped reminding yourself, and all of us, for like the thirtieth time, it might not be so terrible," Max said.

 

"I'm curious about something, though," Kane said. "If we all died... then who won this thing? And what was the prize we heard about?"

 

"SUK IT JOO LOOZERZ!" a voice called out, heads turning to face the source. "TEH STIK NEVR FAYLZ!"

 

It was none other than Super Stickman Bravo, decked out in a championship belt that inexplicably stayed at his waist and a wagon full of a lifetime's supply of banana cream pies and laxative mix.

 

"SOOPR SHTICMAN BROVO, ALAAAAY!" the stick figure cried out, then Supermanned through the ceiling with belt, pies, and stool mover ingredients in tow.

 

"Bull honkey!" Mebius shouted, assuming the 'Objection!' pose.

 

"I was going to say codswallop," The Architect said.

 

"Whatever," Vaughn shrugged, then looked over to the psychopathic space hunter who was chewing down some corn on the cob, typewriter style. "You satisfied, 'Kane'?"

 

"Like your mama when I was done with her, Vay-hawn."

 

"Oh, har har, dick."

 

"Less insulting, more pie-hole stuffing," Heather said, already piling more Sally nuggets onto her plate.

 

"Took the words right outta my mouth," Sasuke said, always finding room to fit more pizza into his firm jaw.

 

"Garmf moomf bwargf mrormf," Max agreed. Or disagreed. It's hard to tell when you have that much mashed sweet potatoes stuffed between your cheeks. Face cheeks.

 

"Our conquering of this glorious feast shall be known throughout the history of all story history there's ever been to craft history for!" Gilgamesh said, then had a bunch of bananas stuffed into his mouth by Kane before he could continue.

 

And so they ate and ate and ate into the night. And a little into the morning.

 

Until they ran out of food.

 

Then they left Vaughn to do all the dishes.

 

"What the hell, man?"

 

"ILL HELP JOO!!!"

 

"Get the fuck away from me."

 

THE END

Edited by KaizenNeko
Fitting the Megaman scene back in. Board change kinda messed around with it.

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