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Sasuke1986

April Fools Shenanigans

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I'm making and sticking this thread (IF I COULD) for previous, current, and future April Fools jokes.

 

I suppose this could apply to the whole BBN, given OV's spam fool, but since most have dealt with the stories, I felt the topic should be placed here.

 

Fools (in order I've known them to be placed).

 

1. Fecalia (TOU Planet Profile, Sasuke)

2. Jesus Christ (TOU Character Profile, Badger)

3. 'Welcome to infiniteunreality.com!' (Spam Fake-Out, Outerverse)

4. One of you had to see this coming. (Fake BOTP Post, Sasuke)

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Fecalia came about from my thought that there should be a 'Big Pile O' Poo' planet. That aside, this is probably the most toilet humor I've ever used in a single joke.

 

---

Planet Data

 

Name: Fecalia

Title: The Big Pile O' Poo Planet

Size: Originally 1. Now 536

Gravity: 69

Atmosphere: Harmful

Climate: The air is rancid and full of puce clouds and bacteria colonies. One whiff will turn your eyeballs inside out, peel your skin off, and cause your hair to burst into flames (yes, all of your hair).

Surface: Vast, oozing hills of brown and steaming rivers of yellow. One step into any and you'll sink down to an unpleasant demise.

 

Economic Info

Inhabitants: Flies. Lots and lots of flies. And Richard Simmons.

Government: A middle-aged man with a comb over and beer belly lives in an orbiting space station shaped like a discarded spool. He ignores the monitors all day while eating TV dinners and reading pornography. Best governor one could ask for.

Industry: Receives waste and sends out waste. And chowder.

Resources: More crap than you can shake a stick at, or scooper for that matter.

 

Tourism

It is the most popular spot in the galaxy to commit suicide and send prisoners.

 

History

 

Fecalia was once the most beautiful planet in all the multiverse, overflowing with flowers, butterflies, and hotdog stands. Then everyone began dumping their shit there and HERE WE ARE NOW.

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It was originally a reply to Veterans, following the scene after Vaughn's group and Sword Bearer's group parted ways.

 

I was just feeling goofy. I think the thing that made this post tricky is that it starts out serious, but as you go on it becomes more and more apparent that it's a huge box of BS. I find it a shame though that I had to point most everyone towards it.

 

Oh well, I enjoyed writing it, hahaha!!!

 

---

<When is this freak blizzard gonna let up?> Rashiel sighed, wishing she had dressed better for the atmosphere. Vaughn shrugged.

 

<Maybe the weather is always like this here. One second it's cloudy, next second it's waves of ice and snow.>

 

Just as Vaughn finished, a bullet zinged through the air and shattered the ice before his feet. He jumped back, looking up to spot a spiky haired man, half-shrouded in a black cape, standing atop a lamppost.

 

"Vaughn Turai," the man said coldly, his pistol still out and smoking from the bullet. "I'm here to take care of some business."

 

"Who the hell are you?" Rashiel barked. The man jumped down from the lamppost and readied his other gun.

 

"I suppose I could grace you and your leader with my name before your shared demise," he smirked. "It's Je-"

 

"Hold on there!" Rashiel said, pointing a finger at the stranger's face. "We already cleared up business with the likes of you! Shouldn't you have gotten word from your boss?"

 

The hunter gave a confused look that shifted to one of agitation.

 

"What the hell are you talking about?" he growled. "I was ordered by the... er, Order... to kill you two."

 

"Not a very smart hit man, giving away the name of your client," Vaughn smirked. The gunman's face turned red behind his platinum locks.

 

"You! Shut up!"

 

"Wait a minute!" Rashiel cried out again. "You aren't working for that Changer guy?"

 

"Changer?" the man replied, getting more confused. "What?"

 

"I see," Vaughn stated, getting a closer look at his adversary. "The eyes. I wouldn't have thought that more than two of the followers of that god would be here."

 

"Followers? God?"

 

"I know. I mean, how many people have eyes like that?"

 

"What's wrong with my eyes?"

 

"Seriously, though," Vaughn continued. "We've already got everything sorted out. The Changer's ok with me."

 

The man's face was contorted in confusion and distress.

 

"Stop messing with me! I am Jedidiah Jefferson! I don't know who this Changer thing is! I'M JUST HERE TO KILL YOU!!" he screamed. "And my client ISN'T the Order!"

 

"I bet it isn't," Rashiel winked. Jed roared in frustration.

 

"Just stand there and accept your fate!" Jed hollered again. A lot of yelling was going on. "That, and these things are a bitch to reload."

 

Just as he was ready to pull the trigger (not that the magical duo weren't preparing themselves to dodge), a bizarre snapping sound shot out, followed by a violent whipping noise. Apparently, the extreme weight of the snow and ice had finally taken its toll on a nearby power line, the electric cable breaking loose and snaking itself down upon Jedidiah. The pirate-thing looked up just in time for the cable to smack him between the eyes, filling him with enough electricity to power two New Yorks.

 

"Blegh!" Rashiel griped, pinching her nose as smoke wafted over from Jed's crispy carcass. "I guess some people've never heard of regular bathing."

 

The ground beneath Jedidiah then gave way, the blackened body tumbling into the abyss as a large man with BioSuit in tow shot out, a purple haired BioSuit following shortly after.

 

"Brr! Sky weeps cold flakes!" Viggan shivered. "Should have brought more grog..."

 

"Hold it right there!" Glitch cried out. "I can't exactly remember WHY I started chasing you, but it probably has something to do with that chick!"

 

"Woman still mine!"

 

"I don't like the looks of this," Rashiel said, frowning.

 

"What the hell is going on!?" a voice cried out from the nearby Weather Needle as a figured descended from one of its windows. "I leave for ONE SECOND to use the restroom and this whole place goes to hell!"

 

Bill then surveyed his surroundings, realizing that 95% of everything in his seeing range was covered in ice.

 

"Well, If-a-Geek-Got-Laid sort of hell, that is."

 

"Bill!" Damnglitch shouted, his attention having been turned away from the barbarian.

 

"What?" Bill said in response, not yet realizing who was talking to him.

 

"Glitch?" Vaughn said, recognizing the purple haired BioSuit from his visions.

 

"Glitch!?"

 

"Who?"

 

"Look!"

 

"What?"

 

"YOU!!"

 

"AGH!!"

 

"PANCAKES!!!"

 

The BioSuits stopped in mid-grapple, turning to see who announced the popular breakfast choice. Giving a tip of the hat, it was none other than Myrddin Tasker, (as if you already didn't know from the text color) and Delta, who had yet to say anything.

 

"Who the fuck are you two!?"

 

"My, such vulgarity. I might not be willing to share my title with such a brute," Myrddin said, appalled. Delta shrugged.

 

"I don't even know how we got here."

 

The others stood off to the sidelines, not knowing what to do. Viggan, in particular, was at a loss, having all the attention taken away from him.

 

"Er... I get to keep the wench, yes?" He questioned with a bit of hesitance. Unfortunately for him, the female MPBS woke up upon this last sentence and preceded to smack the barbarian hard in the face, then shoot him in the nads with her bazooka.

 

"I'm nobody's bitch, bitch!" the MPBS mocked, standing high above the curled up Viggan as she snapped her fingers three times before leaving in a huff.

 

"Ook... no practice for Viggan on this night," the barbarian squealed painfully.

 

"That's it! I quit!"

 

Attention shifted once more as Urticaria jumped from the recently made hole and spat in disgust.

 

"I spend all my days swimming around in shit and putting up with your human incompetence! I'm going somewhere that will appreciate my TALENTS!!!"

 

The BioArmor donned its fedora and took out a suitcase labeled 'San Francisco or bust'. It stuck its tail up in disgust at the others before leaving for parts unknown.

 

"That explains the stench," Bill cringed at Gabriel.

 

"You should've caught a whiff of the guy that fell in that hole," Glitch laughed. "Better yet, I'll show you to him!"

 

Caught in the grapple still, Damnglitch rolled backwards and took Lord Sullivan with him, kicking off the demented BioSuit and sending him down into the sewers. Bill's rage-filled scream was stifled by a sickening plop.

 

"Bleh! Pah!! Ugh, and the aftertaste..."

 

A charred hand rose up from the edge of the hole, the contorted figure of Jedidiah managing to pull himself and his sewage filled wounds from halfway out of the hole.

 

"Haha! I survive! *cough!*"

 

He cried out in agony as a large boot crushed his hand, sending him back into the sewers.

 

"Ow! Watch it, fucker!" Bill could be heard from the darkness, followed by a distinct stabbing noise and another cry from Jed.

 

"Oops. My bad, bro," Badger said, then proceeded to forget what just happened.

 

"Chocma? John? Max? Uh... masked guy?" Vaughn said, looking passed the tall pacifist.

 

"KINESIS!! Damnit..." The masked hero (not Zorro) said in disgust.

 

"Yeah, uh, I think we were about to do something with this guy?" Max said, pointing over at Badger. "Then we got lost and wound up here."

 

"That's not what happened," Sword Bearer stated. "We were trying to change the channel in Mulligan Stew and Josh's remote backfired and sent us here."

 

"The remote?"

 

"Damn powerful remote," Josh said, walking out from behind Sword Bearer.

 

"Alright, assholes," Bill grunted, climbing out of the sewer. "Now you're all... gonna..."

 

"Die?" Rashiel continued for the BioSuit. Bill was staring upwards, distracted by something. The others decided to do the same.

 

"OH MY GO-" Max started, but was cut off as a 1,203,298 ton of fire and metal came screaming down from the sky and collided with the earth.

 

Also, around the same time everyone looked up, Jed pulled himself out of the hole again.

 

"You... can't get rid of me... so easily! Haha-"

 

A massive dome of fire enveloped all of NeoSeattle and proceeded to destroy much of life on Earth as dust was swept up into the atmosphere. In a few years all the world would be enveloped in ice, and mammoths would once again return to reasonable supremacy, but now I'm starting to get off topic.

 

"Holy shit," Damnglitch laughed nervously. "That was close."

 

"Indeed it was," Myrddin added in. "Good thing that chap offered himself as a meat shield for us all at the last moment!"

 

He pointed to Jed, who was then dropped by Max who saw and grabbed him at the very moment of impact as everyone else apparently received some mental message to get behind him.

 

"I hate everything," Jed spat.

 

The only other casualty of the blast was Viggan, though he was mostly unharmed. He was still keeled over in the fetal position, however, grasping at his crotch. There were also two fried corpses inside the satellite.

 

"Oh, screw it all!" Bill complained. "This is Apex' satellite! I knew those two arguing would be the death of them!"

 

And apparently it was, as Mary, the fried corpse of a culprit she was, had her hand firmly planted on, and now fused to, the Smash-the-Satellite-into-NeaSeattle button. One could only assume she was posing herself defiantly in her belief on how the toilet seat should be positioned, Apex flash-fried with his arms crossed stubbornly.

 

"Well that's just perfect," Delta pouted. "I had all these plans of how I'd kill myself to kill them, but then they go and kill themselves!"

 

She scaled up to the shattered windows and pointedly hatefully at the baked couple.

 

"You two are the epitome of selfishness!"

 

"Well, impending ice age aside, this calls for a celebration, wouldn't you say?" Josh said, victoriously lifting his bag of popcorn in the air, even though none of the presently living individuals had anything to do with this particular win.

 

"I'm... I'm not dead, yet!" Jedidiah choked, managing to lift himself off the spot where Max had dropped him. Then one of the solar wings of the satellite snapped off and decapitated him.

 

"It's decided then! To Mulligan Stew!" Josh shouted, then unsheathed his remote and brought forth an all-encompassing wormhole vortex. The group soon found themselves surrounded by darkness.

 

"Oops, wrong button," Josh said.

 

"Try hitting 'Last'. That always works for me."

 

Just then, the darkness was swept away like a curtain drawn from a window, and beyond that darkness unfolded fifteen dimensions of colored asterisks that didn't look entirely unlike THIS...

 

*********

*********

*********

*********

Give or take 14 other layers. Obviously, this inconceivable splash of colors was more than our intrepid heroes could take.

 

"AAAAAHH!!! COLORS!!!!!!!!" they all screamed. And then their heads exploded.

 

Except for Viggan, whose butt exploded.

 

The End.

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