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The Beginning of the End? (A New Challenger Arrives!)

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Max felt good to be Max today. It felt as good as when Mel Gibson shot the entire Miller Gang in High Noon, when Mel Gibson got the girl in Indiana Jones, when Mel Gibson and Black Mel Gibson blew up the Mothership in Independence Day, and when Midget Mel Gibson threw the One Ring into the fire in Lord of the Rings, all combined into one big orgy of awesomeness. It was like Fantasy Island, where all your dreams come true and Mel Gibson could dance as well as Ricardo Montalban. Yes, it is good to be Max, thought Max to himself. Yes, he WAS the true Mel Gibson.

 

That was because the REAL Mel Gibson must have eaten his heart out at my awesomeness and is now bleeding to death in the corner, just like one of those poor Mayan bastards in Apocalypto, wondering why he couldn't possibly be more awesome than I!

 

AH HA HA HAAAA!

 

This train car was pretty posh, too. It had all kinds of whiskey and ammo and blasted robots and giant mirrors behind all the whiskey bottles. Max shot a few out on his way down the train. He trundled his way down the cars as the train rattled pointlessly through the tunnel to whatever point in the plot it was heading to, the whiskey-drinker singing a happy song about how it was so great to be a winner. It was even better than opening a fortune cookie and reading 'CONFUCIUS SAY, 'A WINNAR IS YOU!'

 

 

----

 

 

ISH and Warchord left the lava fields behind, following the sensor readings Warchord had produced.

 

They walked through forests. They walked through swamps. They walked through teeming, ruined castles full of teeming, gibbering jungle men who wouldn't give them the time of day, no less a Jamba Juice. And they sure did a hell of a lot of walking.

 

Then they walked it to the ocean desert, where the smell of dead fish was horrendous. ISH made himself a squid taco sandwich out of a giant king calamari corpse they found in the sun (with a generous helping from a can of lemon curry), and was temporarily sated. Warchord provided some mango-flavored Jamba Juice to wash it all down (yum yum!), and they were out on their way again.

 

With each step, Warchord's sensor scan got stronger, and the desert ocean got dryer. They passed some robot corpses that had tried to cross, but it was no luck for them. Such a waste in the horrible desert sun! If only this had been the Middle East, they could have stuck their heads in the sand to partake of the wondrous crude that so many men have fought and died over!

 

Eventually, there rose from the distance a giant dome of dome-erifousness. It was gray and it was in ruins, and it was huge. It had statues of dancing robots in dungarees and wearing lampshades, surrounded by the copses of thousands of other robots of all shapes and sizes. It was as if the residue of a thousand robot battles had made its way here to Planet X. The giant robots seemed to be longing for Macho Dundee.

 

The place was silent, silent like a dead city where dead people lived. Only even the dead had died, too. Their footsteps echoed far. They walked past deserted shops, now covered in coral that dried and cracked in the sun. Fish bones lying in the plaza crackled under their feet. Not even a sagebrush trundled past.

 

They made it to the central square where a giant monolith had been raised, and behind that, a giant tower that reached for the heaves. In front of the monolith there was a mechanical array of machinery. ISH and Warchord stepped forward for a closer look.

 

Suddenly, there came a rumbling from the desert on a horse with no name save GOD.

 

I do believe the earth has an upset tummy!

 

The rumbling grew louder, and bits of the ruins tumbled to the desert floor. A rectangular slab appeared in the dusty street, and the slab rose at an angle to leave a gaping rusty steel mouth that led deep into the underground, from whence a deathly clanging arose.

 

Out from the metal hole there came a rushing and a glaring as a giant train with an engine like a skull emerged from the pit and ran around the square in a long snake, finally coming to a stop in front of ISH and Warchord. The mouth of the skull engine opened with a CLANG and there came singing echoing from the cold metal interior.

 

Thish ish it! I'm in Whishkey Heaven!

 

Max strode out of the skull-faced train and did a little dance in the hot desert sun while holding a giant flask of whiskey.

 

I do believe we've seen this fellow before. Where might that have Ben's baby-been?

 

The forest, I think. He ran over my arm with a car. And beat you up with some fish. Quite uncooth.

 

The quiteness. But what's he doing here?

 

Drinking whiskey in a desert like there's no tomorrow.

 

Beyond that, buckaroo two-shoes.

 

Beats me. Think we should fight him?

 

I think it's more fun to watch. Maybe he'll defeat himself for us!

 

Max began spinning around, gargling whiskey. Some of it went up the wrong pipe and he began coughing and sputtering, his eyes tearing up like the audience of a sappy film.

 

H-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaAH!

 

The whiskey drinker began punching his face, coughing, and sneezing, in an effort to expunge the whiskey from his respiratory system. With one great cough, he evicted a large greenish-yellowish mass form his bronchial tubes onto the dry desert sand. Wiping his eyes, looking at the bottle, and smiling at its punch, he suddenly noticed the two on-lookers.

 

Hey! You guysh! How'd you guysh get here so fasht anyway? I wash on a bullet train going 3 million milesh an hour through the Whishkey Underground on the Whishkey Express to Whishkey Land!

 

Magic.

 

With a side of lemon-curry calamari tacos!

 

And Jamba Juice.

 

You're not here for the treashure, too, are ya? If ya are, then we'll all have to fight to the death until we're all dead and then you die! Thish ish the Beyond the Beyond Thunderdome! Three men enter, half a man leaves!

 

Warchord's actually a shy-gal she-she.

 

And a hubba-hubba mecha-hotnesh! - No man - er, people-thingiesh...er, let me shtart again.

 

Please doo-bitty do!

 

More than one of the shomethin' thingiesh entersh, No people-pershonsh leave!

 

Deadly!

 

Deathshome!

 

Doubly-deadness with a side of dying dead guys!

 

Deathly so!

 

Deathjam ven-deth-detta!

 

Death-defying ULTRA deadly duplex dynamo-dying MEGA double-dare DEAD DEAD DEAD - OH GOD MY SPLEEN! - doomed souls of dying dead dyers who die in their own deathly DOOMINATOR!

 

Exshactly. *HIC!*

 

Well, this is where the treasure is, isn't it? I mean, there's only like a week or so left in the battles, everyone else is dead.

 

Doubly so!

 

Plush, I've got thish map that provesh thish ish the plashe!

 

Max pulled out a greasy slab of paper from his pocket and twirled it around in the sun, flipped it over backwards, then forwards, then upside-down and backwards again.

 

Ah yesh! Right here!

 

Max slapped his well-manicured hands onto the map. If this had been a toy commercial, those hands would have sold millions, even though the toy being sold was a greasy, stained, wet slab of carboard. There was a dotted line with some line-art palm trees, cartoony crabs, and a giant 'X' that marked the spot.

 

Shee? The map shaysh we're right here!

 

That says it's a Captain Crunch treasure map.

 

B-But...! I got it from the old guy! The guy who knew thingsh!

 

Sadly, my sad, sad, friendsome friend, that is not the casey-case. It came from a cereal box, like the Creature came from the Black Lagoon, and it came with a decoder ring.

 

OH THE WAR WOUND!!! Charlies! In the trees! They...came...from...BEHIND!

 

Max howled in pain, stamped his feet, drank some whiskey, fell on the ground, kicked himself around in a circle, stood on his head, spun around a few times, and fell flat on his face in a small cloud of dust.

 

Warchord turned away from the crazy whiskey man and turned her attention to the mechanical structure in front of the monolith. There was a dome of some kind there that was all iced over. Inside, there was a bubbly mass of something. There was a green light on the front that was blinking.

 

ISH, sensors indicate a great power stored inside this dome!

 

Will it power a modded portable X-Box or Y-Boy?

 

Sensors indicate it could power such a device without having to drain addition energy from the planet's magnetic field. It's off the scale!

 

Shiny!

 

Reacting to the Hunter's exclamation of valuable, desirable, covetous brightness, the dome seemed to react. It cracked open with a HISS, releasing super-cooled mists that WHOOSHED out into the parched desert air. Inside was a bubbling pool of cryo-goo, perfect for chip dip.

 

Out from the cryo pool, in the biggest, bubbliest, coolest part, there came a-sudden a-gurgling, a gurgling like the sound of a thousand ninjas gargling listerine. Oh, it was horrible to hear. And that gargling, well, it centered around this formless blob that slowly rose from the misty fluid, the living abscess of the machinery, and it rose from that pool with a hissin' and a sputterin'.

 

The cryo-goop steamed and dripped off this formless form until it slowly regained its shape. It was twenty feet tall and dark gunmetal gray like death itself. It had giant spikes arms ready to do some grindin' and plenty of laser guns to go a-blastin'. It was a modified version of the Ride Armor we'd seen once before in BotP 4 (and a little like Vile's armor in MMX3...) and it was back with a figure in the cockpit clad in dark blue, cracked, but all-too-familiar armor. Was it a boss to end all bosses? Or was it just one more minion in a long line of minions at the minion hiring line?

 

Max, who had regained his feet at the sound of the bubble-trubblin, doubled over a-hobblin as he wobbled.

 

Oh shit. It's Blaster's brother, Bigger Blaster! And that must be Grander Master! That guy's a whole two inches taller than Master! It's like the Blasterer Masterer!

 

Well, familiar to almost everyone...

 

Welcome to my domain! I am X. So you wish to find the Treasure of Planet X? [Ha ha ha!] Well, let me tell you a little more about it!

 

Narrator, if you please!

 

****Anyway, that was a long post. I've got more information on this here:

 

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=80

 

Feel free to add what you want.****

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Long, long, long ago, in the time of funky dancing and mirror balls, there came a visitor from beyond where other visitors from beyond came. The inhabitants easily saw this at the time, as this visitor wore chaps, and who honestly wore chaps back then, or even now? However, this visitor did not come to show off his chaps, nor did he come to be criticized for wearing chaps and smelling like a horse stable, he came to hide a great power, a power meant for no being to touch because of how powerfully powerful its power was. It was that damn powerful. So this visitor with his cowboy hat and chaps and beard chose Planet X to hide this power for no given or rational reason, apparently thinking that the countless sentient species of the world would not be tempted to get it. Or maybe it had something to do with the giant, impregnable dome that the too powerfully powerful power of all powers was kept locked in.

 

So the visitor left, but not before sending the encaged power into the ocean and spreading slander tapes to distract the worlds populace. Eventually, however, somebody said, "Hey, what were we doing before?" and set into motion the many rumors, stories, tall tales, legends, movies, comics, pornos, sitcoms, cheap cartoons, holiday specials, kindgarten plays, and bathroom products that revolved around the supposed treasure of Planet X. Many hundreds of thousands of millions of dozens of baker's dozens of seconds passed, and there was no one who yet found anything remotely similar to or believable enough or shiny enough to possibly be this big, amazing, astounding, breath-taking, cream-inducing treasure that was definitely very probably impossible to ever obtain.

 

It was inevitable, however, that the treasure would one day be found, just as it is inevitable for the snow owls of Egypt to make the long trek through Mariana's Trench in order to lay their eggs upon the Galapagos sands before willingly plummeting to their deaths over a cliff. This single adventurer, one of the greatest, shiniest, coolest, adventurous of all adventurers who only lacked squeezableness, one day found himself before the treasure locked within the dome, along with a gift basket of various soaps, cheeses, and coupons for Jenny's. It was a bittersweet end to the journey, as the adventurer soon realized, as placing his hand upon the treasure to obtain its power resulted in a monstrous cry of INFIDEL!!! followed by a lava oriented escape scene that ended in a blast of confetti, all distracting from the fact that the dome had closed up and resealed, the great adventurer now trapped within the rotten chamber he had so long sought, only to be freed once others would come...

 

"Now just one cotton pickin' minute!" the Hunter exclaimed. "I ain't no mamby pamby, but what's all that hullabaloo supposed to mean?"

 

"Yeah, is the treasure here or not, huh?"

 

"And where's the bathroom?"

 

"Treasure, treasure, treasure," X chuckled, shaking his head in pity. "You see, the thing about treasure is that once it's found, it's no longer treasure, it becomes the property of whoever bled, sweated, and cried to get it. Put more simply... there is no treasure of Planet X! There hasn't been for decades!"

 

"Uh-oh! Spaghettios!" ISH said, taking a step back.

 

"Not like I care," Warchord mumbled. "I came here to fight, not go diggin' for some treasure."

 

"Wait, so the treasure ain't the lost Mad Max 3 film?"

 

"Decades I slept inside that dome," X said, his gaze going to the sky as he continued, "trapped with the treasure, the mighty power that had been left here so long ago, and not being able to use it, not being able to see just how powerfully powerful the power was, and realizing that things would remain so until someone else found the dome..." He cracked a devilish grin, then looked down at the three that stood before him. "And now here we are, at that day's arrival, and I'm lucky to not just have one foolhardy adventurer, but THREE that I can test my gained power on!" The innards of X's Ride Armor howled as it posed threateningly, casting a jagged shadow over the trio. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm the winner of this little game, and I'm going to make sure it stays that way!"

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At that, Mega Man X dashed forward in his ride armor, tearing through the asphalt road. ISH and Warchord jumped away separately, but Max wasn’t that lucky. Not only due to the fact that he was drop dead drunk (see, I can do alliteration too :-)) but also because his mind was still reeling from the fact that there was no secret third Mad Max movie, he failed to even try to scamper out of the way of Mega Man X, and was hit full on and thrown into the building behind him. The only sound he made afterwards was a low moan followed closely by the words-

 

“Mel, forgive me.â€

 

ISH, however, responded without thinking, which was how he usually got through most of his life, and rebounded after landing striking the ride armor issuing a loud clang throughout the region. The armor wasn’t even dented. He leapt away as the armor spun, several gears reaching out to crush the air that the hunter had just vacated. Without warning, Warchord slid behind the armor, whipping the vines from her armor across the enemy’s back. Mega Man X didn’t even notice her, and instead dashed in the direction that ISH was jumping, and before he could land, slammed into him. ISH flew even farther this time. He spun in the air, and caught a street light. With his momentum carrying him, ISH spun around the pole once, and let go, rocketing himself back at the ride armor feet first. He had almost reached Mega Man X, when a door slid open on the front of the machine and a red beam pierced the air, and hit ISH, knocking him once again in the opposite direction.

A scream filled the air, and Mega Man X turned just in time to see Warchord falling towards him, a vine streaking toward his face. The red beam fired again. Warchord swung the rest of her vines, the movement just enough to push her out of the beam’s path. But at the same time it also threw her aim off, and the first vine missed the target entirely. She landed, and immediately pushed herself sideways with her vines, and narrowly avoided several gears that would have crushed her. The gears began to spin, and dug into the asphalt ground, pulling them in her direction. Warchord rolled on the ground out of their way, and leapt into the air as the ground was peppered with lasers. She struck out with a vine and caught the armor’s right leg, using the newly found leverage to pull herself out of the path of yet another giant red laser blast. She hit the ground running, and unclipped her ponytail. The former hair attachment quickly began spinning, and she drove it into the ground propelling her forward.

The vine that was still attached to the ride armor’s leg became taught and pulled Warchord into the air, swinging around Mega Man X. As she came around she swung her Coiffurive and dissected one of the numerous small laser cannons on the ride armor’s side. As the circle became tighter, she brought up the Coiffurive again, and flew towards the ride armor’s front side. As she brought the saw blade pony tail down, intending to split Mega Man X straight down the middle, several gears rose up in front of her, and blocked her attack. Warchord grunted, and release the vine around the ride armor’s leg, and pushed herself away from Mega Man X. Before she even landed, her vines pushed her into the air again, avoiding yet another blast from the Giant Red Laser. But as she came to land again her foot caught on a loose rock, and threw her off her balance. She crashed to the ground, the air rushing from her lungs in a loud gasp. She tried to sit up, and saw Mega Man X grinning down at her twenty feet away, as the laser on the front of his ride armor began to glow red.

Time slowed down for Warchord as she watched the energy build for the shot that would end her life. She tried to move, but knew that it would be too late. It was in the midst of this time slowing phenomenon that she heard a sound emanate from behind X, and as time began to pick up speed again, she recognized the sound as ISH’s voice.

 

“Excelsior!â€

 

The hunter collided head first with X’s ride armor, knocking it to the ground, and sending the laser blast into the air where it harmlessly disappeared. As the enemy vehicle crashed to the ground, ISH quickly picked himself up, and dizzily reeled toward her, laughing and grinning all the while. Warchord reattached her ponytail as ISH neared her.

 

“Fun fun silly willy,†ISH said as he neared her.

 

Warchord laughed.

 

“You’re insane,†she said.

 

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,†ISH said.

 

The ground shook slightly as X maneuvered the ride armor back to a standing position, and faced the two combatants. He didn’t speak, and instead dashed towards them; rockets on the back of the ride armor fired, and launched X into the air. ISH and Warchord once again leapt away separately as X landed where they had just been. ISH flew low over the ground, did a quick back flip, and landed on his feet. Using his superior strength granted to him from being the robotic guy that he was, he picked up two large pieces of asphalt and tossed them into the air. He then jumped after them and spun, kicking them at X. X caught the first one between the gears on his ride armor, and using his rockets managed to leap out of the way of the second. The flying asphalt sailed under X, only to be caught in Warchord’s vines. She spun around, pulling the fragment in a large circle, and let it fly back at X. The rock hit one of X’s rockets, crippling it. The ride armor fell out of the sky, somehow managing to land on its feet, but permanently grounded.

 

“My my,†X said, chuckling, “you are the feisty ones aren’t you?â€

 

The ride armor surged forward, and wrapped the gears around ISH, lifting him into the air. ISH tried to push himself out of X’s grasp, but was unable to. X spun and chucked ISH straight into Warchord, toppling her to the ground. Before either of them could get up, X dashed at them, and slammed them deeper into the ground with the gears.

 

“And now,†X said, “you are the dead ones.â€

 

The giant laser once again began to glow red as it charged up for a killing blow. Warchord glared defiance at X, while ISH’s eyes wandered; presumably looking for a taco joint to eat at after the fight was over. None of them saw, or expected, the rubble across the street shift and fall to reveal a tattered and thoroughly pissed Mad Mad Max, who happened to be wielding a large Rocket Launcher.

 

“No more!†Max yelled, and the launcher whooshed as the rocket propelled itself out of the tube.

 

The rocket slammed into X’s ride armor, dead center of the giant red laser cannon, knocking the ride armor backwards away from ISH and Warchord. X watched as the rocket flashed a small red light, and a small beep escaped from it, and then exploded, the built up energy of the laser cannon erupting at the same time, sending a large shockwave out, destroying the building around Max, but leaving him standing. ISH and Warchord surviving the blast thanks to the large pit their bodies had made in the asphalt when X had tried to crush them.

 

“I pity the fool,†Max said, as he started walking up the street.

 

Laughter rose over the burning wreckage of X’s ride armor. Max looked up and saw X, or at least what was left of him, hovering over the wrecked city. He quickly reached into his coat and pulled out a small single shot derringer. When X saw this, he laughed even harder.

 

“What?†X said, “You’re going to beat me with that pea shooter?â€

 

“It may be small,†Max said, “But its power is sufficient.â€

 

“Whatever,†X said.

 

X’s shoulder pads split open, and two small laser cannons rose up from his torso. Max threw open his coat, revealing several dozen exact replicas of the same derringer he held in his hand. With quick, but careful aim, Max fired, his shot hitting one of the cannons on X’s shoulder destroying it. X fired with his remaining weapon, and Max ran sideways avoiding the shots while reaching into his coat and pulling out derringer after derringer. His first few shots missed, but he quickly adapted to the fighting scenario, and the fourth shot took out X’s second cannon. After that, Max ran straight at X, still pulling out pistol after pistol from his coat. His shots now aimed squarely for X’s head, and none of them missed. X grunted as each small bullet thudded into his face, each shot pushing him further and further back. Finally, Max ran out of his chosen weapon. But as the true Mel Gibson would do, he was sure; he reached out and grabbed a fallen door lying on the ground, pulled a grenade from his coat and threw it in front of him. He jumped over the grenade, and while still in the air, placed the door under his feet. The grenade exploded, propelling the door, and Max, into the air. Max quickly reached into his coat once again, and pulled out a new weapon that looked like a miniature double barreled sawed off shotgun. He grabbed the trigger with his right hand, and placed his left hand over the barrels so that it wouldn’t buck and break his nose.

For X, time slowed as he watched this puny creature charge at him. He couldn’t believe the maneuver Max had just pulled off with the grenade had actually worked. It felt like it took years, but he turned his head and looked at the ground behind him. X found that he was hovering over the edge of the blue goop that he had risen from only minutes before. He turned his attention back to Max just in time to see the man pull a strange shotgun like weapon out of his coat, and aim it at him. X screamed as both barrels fired, the slugs crashing into his helmet, and rocketing him into the blue goop once again.

For Max, he had failed to factor in one thing, how the heck was he going to land? He plummeted towards the ground, a yell escaping his throat as he neared the road before. And with a loud “oof,†he landed, in the arms of Warchord.

 

“Damn,†was all that Warchord said. She hadn’t expected the cowardly Mad Mad Max to pull off such a stunt. Not even Max had expected it.

 

They didn’t have time to celebrate though. The ground underneath them erupted throwing both of them backwards. Max once again thought that he was going to die, but a voice rang out around him and he was once again caught, this time by ISH.

 

“Interception!†ISH cried as he scooped Max out of the air. After they had landed, ISH held Max over his head and yelled again. “GOAL!†With that, he slammed Max to the ground.

 

“Ow!†Max said.

 

“Oops,†ISH said, “sorry.â€

 

Warchord sauntered over; she was fine as being hurled through the air was probably something she looked forward to everyday.

 

“So,†she said, “what happened?â€

 

Neither ISH nor Max had the answer, but they didn’t need one as the ground once again quaked around them. Out of the pit of blue goop, rose a large hand of goop, followed quickly by a large body of blue goop, with X’s torso and what remained of his head as the heart of the blue goop monster. They could see X’s face contorted in a wicked grin and his new body stood up and was taller than any of the buildings around him.

 

“Great!†Max said, “How the heck are we going to fight that thing?â€

 

He flung his arm out to insinuate the large monster, and as he did so, a large metal object fell out of his coat, and rolled to the ground.

 

“What is that?†Warchord said.

 

“That,†ISH said, “Is a Nuclear, not Nucular, bomb that looks like it originated from around the 1960s or so.â€

 

“Where did you get that?†Warchord asked turning to Max.

 

Max however, had a very blank look on his face, and didn’t answer for a moment.

 

“I found it,†he said at last.

 

“Whatever,†Warchord said. “The big question is does it work?â€

 

ISH knelt down and placed his ear against the bomb’s metal casing.

 

“Oh yeah,†He said, “I can tell. It’s ticking.â€

 

“Ticking?†Warchord said.

 

“You mean that thing is armed?†Max cried.

 

“Yep,†ISH said. “It has just been on a reeeeaaaalllllyyy long timer.â€

 

“So that could have gone off on me at any time?†Max said.

 

“Oh no,†ISH said, “Only when the timer reached zero. Which I would judge to be in about…One minute.â€

 

Max almost fainted.

 

The conversation would have gone on longer, but X got tired of waiting, and began to move towards them. His goo like body molding itself over the ground.

 

“As fun as this is,†Warchord said. “We are running out of time, and we have no idea how to launch this thing at X.â€

 

They watched as X slowly moved closer, and finally, Max lowered his head.

 

“It’s what Mel would do,†he mumbled, and then bent down and picked up the nuke and turned to ISH. “Launch me.â€

 

“You want me to do what now?†ISH asked.

 

“I want you to launch me at that thing!†Max said.

 

“Why?†Warchord asked.

 

“Because,†Max said, “It’s the only way. I’m the only one with enough firepower to pierce that thing’s defenses long enough to get the bomb through. And I have to be with the bomb for that to work. So launch me!â€

 

Max quickly straddled the bomb as ISH and Warchord lifted him into the air.

 

“You know,†Max said, It's funny. I haven’t been scared or frightened once this whole fight. And I don’t even know why.â€

 

ISH and Warchord didn’t say a word as they both heaved the bomb into the air. Max disappeared into the sky, only to reappear a moment later directly over X, flinging every grenade and explosive he had left at the goo being. X tried to block the blasts with his right arm, but it was quickly cloven in two as rockets and grenades and who knows what else hit it and exploded. As Max neared his target, there was already a sizable chunk blasted out of X’s gooey head, and it was already starting to heal closed. ISH and Warchord watched as X lifted his left arm, getting ready to swat Max away like an annoying fly. Warchord jumped forward, a green glow appearing in front of her as her armor slowly disintegrated and formed a green sphere in front of her. The sphere changed to a robotic orange color, and sprouted petals and it flew away from Warchord, the armor bomb striking X’s left arm, vaporizing it.

ISH quickly grabbed Warchord, and dashed into a nearby building. He ran down a set of stairs, and found a large metal door for a vault. He tossed Warchord inside and pulled the door closed as he entered.

Outside, Max was instantly blinded as Warchord’s armor bomb exploded, but it didn’t matter, he didn’t need to see for this part. He knew that he would hit his target, and he knew that somewhere, out there, in the great beyond beyond the beyond thunderdome, Mel was smiling at him. And so, Max inhaled one last time, and spoke his final words.

 

“Yippy kai yay mother-“

 

He couldn’t finish. His, and X’s world exploded in a barrage of noise and then blackness.

 

The fight was over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ISH and Warchord waited in the vault. The building has long since stopped shaking, but neither of them felt the need to move. They both slept, as much as cyborgs could sleep, and recuperated. Finally, ISH stood up and made his way towards the door.

 

“I think it’s time to leave,†ISH said.

 

“As long as the door will open,†Warchord said, standing up.

 

“I don’t think that will be a problem,†ISH said, tapping on the door.

 

As he tapped, the entire vault shook, and the walls collapsed outwards, revealing the barren landscape around them.

 

“Um,†ISH said, “I meant to do that.â€

 

The two slowly made their way out of the now completely destroyed city, and headed back in the direction they had come from.

 

“So,†ISH said, “why did you enter this battle?â€

 

Warchord laughed.

 

“I just wanted to fight people,†she said. “What about you?â€

 

“I was looking for five more dollars so that I could get another Josta,†ISH said.

 

Warchord burst out laughing.

 

“You are insane,†she said.

 

“That’s what people tell me,†ISH said.

 

As they walked, Warchord pulled out a small change purse, and produced a five dollar bill, and handed it to ISH.

 

“May your dream come true,†she said.

 

ISH happily took the money, and stuffed it into his back pocket. And then he stopped walking.

 

“I guess,†He said, “I have one more battle left in me today. And afterwards, I’ll buy the drinks.â€

 

Warchord laughed happily, and leapt away from ISH, taking an offensive stance.

 

“That’s only if you can keep up,†she said.

 

And the two charged each other.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that is the end of BOTP 8. If anybody would like to write out one final battle between ISH and Warchord, you are welcome to do so. I am sure it would be a great battle.

And Congrats to ISH and Warchord for having the longest lasting team up in BOTP history!

See you all next battle!

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*ahem*

 

So I took SB's challenge to post something else here. It doesn't have to end with this 'epilogue'. Anyway, excellent battle, and I don't think it could be topped! These were a couple ideas I'd been hanging on to, but sometimes that's how it goes!

 

 

I AM RRICKYR AND I WILL NARRATE THE FINAL POST. I CAN ONLY TYPE IN CAPS BECAUSE MY COMPUTER WORKS THIS WAY!

 

ISH AND WARCHORD FACED THEMSELVES IN MORTAL COMBAT FOR THE FINAL TIME!

 

WARCHORD CRIED OUT I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU ISH AND NORM ABRAM PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR KILLING YOU! AND SHE CHARGED UP HER ULTRA TTACK!

 

ISH SAYS I KNOW I LOVED YOU ALL THESE YEARS TOO EVEN THOUGH IT HAS ONLY BEEN FIVE WEEKS SINCE WE MET AND WE HAVE NOT HAD THE SEX BUT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO. WHY MUST WE FIGHT!?

 

THEY DID NOT WANT TO DO SO BUT THEY MUST BECAUSE IT IS FIGHTING THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE THAT THEYY MUST DO TO SAVE THE CHILDREN!!!

 

THEIR FIGHTING STANCES WAS COMPLETELY PERFECT AND THERE WAS NO ROOM FOR ERRAR IN THIS THE FINAL FIGHT! TTHE EPIC BATTLE MUSIC COULD NOT BE DENIED. AND WAS TRULY INSPIRED BY HARRY GREGSON-WILLIAMS AND WAGNER. THE VINE WHIOPS OF THE WARCHORD WERE WHIPPING FASTER THAN NINJAS ON ECSTACY. AND THE ISH HIS HEAD ALMOST EXPLODED FROM THE SPEED. OF HIS PUNCHES!

 

THEN THEY PREPARED FOR THE FINAL ASSAULT!

 

THIS! AND HE SUMMONED HIS ULTRA ATTACK!

 

THIS!!AND SHE CHARGED THE SAME!

 

WARCHORD FIRED OUT HER SUPER ARMOR BOMB ATTACK WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY KANE THE PSYCHOPATHIC SPACE HUNTER SPEEDED IN FROM THE APOCALYPSE REALM HAHAHA WE ARE INVULNERABLE TO YOUR GAMES! BUT YOU WILL DIE JUST THE SAME!! AND I MUST HAVE A FINAL LINE TO END WITH! AND HE AND ISH THEY BOTH FLY OUT IN THE HEADBUT OF INSANITY JUST AS MAD MAX'S BEAT UP CRAP CAR FLIES OUT OF THE DESERT BECAUSE IT HAD STILL BEEN RUNNNING ALL THESE HOURS CHASED BY BATS AND IT AND THE BATS FLIES INTO THE FIERY EXPLOSION OF CERTAIN DEATH!!!!

 

BUT NOT FIRST BEFORE RUNNING OVER THE BLOODSMITH WHO MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARIALIZED IN FRONT OF THE CAR

 

AHH YOU SCURVY TRAITOR. I HAD SAVED MYSELF FROM DEATH THROUGH PARADOX ONLY TO MATERIALIZE IN AN ATOMIC BLAST! BUT SO THE NARRATOR WAS TRUE TO HIS WORD AND BLOODSMITH MUST TO SAVE HIMSELF THROUGH OTHER MEANS OF PARADOX! AH! SWEET PEACE AT LAST IN LIMBO!

 

WHO WOULD SURVIVE THE MSASSACRE!!

 

NO ONE

 

BUT THE COCKROACHES AND LEMURS AND PRAIRIE DOGS WERE LEFT STANDING AFTER THIS MIGHT STRUGGLE BECAUSE ALL BOWED BEFORE THE FATE.

 

AND THEN THE OCEANS RECEDED BACK AGAIN, FALLING FROM THE SKY LIKE A THUOUSANDS RAINS, AND IT RAINED FOR FORTY YEARS AND FORTY MONTHS AND FORTY SCORE OF SEVEN YEARS OBLITERATING THE BATTLEFIELD WITH ITS DARK WAVES. THAT COULD NOT BE FATHOMED. AND THE GREAT SHROUD OF THE SEA ROLLED ON AS IT ROLLED ON FIVE THOUSAND YEARS AGO.

 

THEN STOOD THE MAN ANNOUNCER BEFORE THE CROWDS THAT HAD GATHERED TO CRY OVER THE CORPSES OF TH FALLEN AND SAID SO ENDETH AS IT BEGINNETH AND WE WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME IN SOME FAR AWAY PLACE WHERE THE GRASSES GROW TALL AND STURDY LIKE THE MANLY MEN OF THE 1950SP/

 

BUT HOW CAN THIS BE! WILL WE EVER FIGHT AGAIN OR MUST WE LIVE IN THE POVERTY OF OUR MEMORIES!

 

ONLY TIME WILL TELL SAID THEIR GHOSTS.

 

AND SO IT IS DONE BUT WITH BIBLICAL FINALITY. AND THE CHILDREN PRAYED FOR THE SEQUEL.

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There was the deafening sound of a shotgun, and the corpulent, flea-bitten body of Rrickyr fell to the ground, a waterfall of blood thick with clots of Salisbury steak origin cascading from betwixt his shoulders where his head once rested, now splattered as a million sticky pieces across a nearby wall, his unmentionables still untouched by the caress of a woman as they had been since his very conception.

 

"That takes care of that," Sasuke said, casting aside a shotgun he just happened to have. "Somebody at security has a lot of explaining to do..."

 

"Hey, Sasuke!" Capcom called out from the distance. "Have you seen my pet hippo? He got off his leash and..."

 

Capcom paused, gazing over the flabby, torn, virgin, and very much dead body of Rrickyr.

 

"Oh, what the hell!" Capcom exclaimed. "You killed him?"

 

"This thing was your pet?" Sasuke said, hesitating for a bit. "Sorry about that."

 

"Nah, it's alright. I was gonna have him euthanized in an hour anyway. You saved me some money."

 

"In that case, you owe me thirty bucks for shotgun shells and therapy meetings."

 

"Aw, nuts."

 

And so was another chapter of BOTP closed, the janitors shoveling away what remained of Rrickyr as the scene faded out.

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And then the iris out reversed at the last second, as if something was left unresolved...

 

"What was he talking about?" said Warchord, eyeing the fragments of Rrickyr as they were loaded onto a large dustpan.

 

"Even I have no idea. Nor do I know why his announcer at the end had Samus' voice." responded the Hunter in a rare lucid moment.

 

"Too bad about what's-his-name... Hand Model Guy or Handy or whatever. Wonder if he's in a place where he gets his movie? And doesn't he get the ultimate power or whatever the hell that treasure was supposed to be?" Warchord wondered aloud.

 

"The proof of the pudding is in the director's chair." Insaney replied.

 

"So much for you making sense." said Warchord, leaving the conversation at that and launching back into her attack as the Hunter simultaneously inverted into Chun Li's Spinning Bird Kick.

 

The scene again faded to black as a voice echoed unnoticed across the wastes of Planet X...

 

"I know everything! I am everything!"

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"Alright, that's it," Sasuke grumbled, grabbing The Insane Space Hunter (the writer one) and Sword Bearer by the collars and dragging them to a large, spiky, rusty, and terrifying machine, a foreboding sign labeling it 'The Rehabilitator'. "Time to teach you two a lesson."

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